Tom wrestled a bear once. That band “IWRESTEDABEARONCE” was totally named for Tom. He was even wearing a suit at the time.
What most people don’t know is that he was completely sober.
Now, you might ask, why would a completely sober man in a suit try to wrestle a bear? Well, let me tell you.
It started one fine, misty, Canadian morning over a stack of pancakes with real maple syrup. The mountain man he had been lodging with of late was going on, yet again, about his gold prospecting and how he suspected that the government was coming in and removing all the gold on his land where they knew he was next going to look. Apparently they were using some sort of microchip embedded in his brain to listen in on his plans. It was complicated.
As the crazy mountain man was about to tell Tom again about the horrid mental images that he played in his mind in an attempt to sicken whatever government agent happened to be monitoring at the moment, Tom excused himself and took his pancakes out to the porch to enjoy the sunrise.
As he settled in to a rocker on the front porch, he set his eyes to the horizon, and smiled a deep, hearty smile. This was truly God’s country. The majesty of the Canadian wilderness stretched before him in rich greens, and vibrant reds and golds from the rising sun.
As he took a bite of his incredible pancakes, he happened to gaze off to the side of the house. That was when he saw the bear, and the bear saw him.
Before he new it, the bear had wandered up to the house, on to the porch, and was sniffing the pancakes with interest.
Then the bear took a bite. That was the last mistake it would ever make.
You see, there’s one true rule in Canada: real, top quality maple syrup is not to be wasted. Not even a single drop may be spilled without involvement of the top officials in Parliament.
This included it’s consumption by errant wildlife.
Well Tom was not going to stand for the mountain of paperwork this bear had just brought on him. He stood, looked the bear in the eye, and head-butted it as hard as he could. While the bear was still stunned, Tom leapt, knocking the bear on its back. Tom pinned it to the ground and bashed it repeatedly about the head until it shuffled off this mortal coil.
That, friends, is the story of how Tom wrestled a bear once. It also happens to be the story of how tom got bear-foot slippers, and the crazy mountain man got his new fur coat and bear-head hat (the hat, of course, being the best possible device for blocking the government eavesdroppers.)